Crushing and Beautiful

I had just finished working out. My body was dripping with sweat and my legs were about to start a revolution against me so as to never have to work out again.

I grabbed my Gatorade and sat down in the floor, leaning back against our love seat.

The house was quiet.  Yes, abnormally quiet for a house that normally teeters on the brink of destruction with me and five sons for whom Sarah is our only saving grace.

But alas, she wasn't home and neither were any of the five little Indians. They had traveled for some time away to Virginia to visit family, allowing me some time to write.

My heart still deciding whether or not it wanted to keep beating after the workout I just did, my phone rang identifying the call coming from "Sarah Cell."

When I answered, the words she said would commence a second round of what would be, in the words of Charles Dickens, the best of times and the worst of times.

Sarah had received a phone call from Dave, who wears a number of hats but serves as the transplant coordinator for pediatrics at Duke University Medical Center. A donor liver had come available for Micah.

Micah had been placed on the waiting list in March, just about a month after Titus was born and a short 7 months after we had welcomed home our fourth son Malachi. Now, Micah would have a second transplant.

We like to keep things quiet and easy around our house if you didn't notice!

So began another crushing and beautiful journey. 

Crushing as the emotions came while thinking about the family who walked through death, though giving so someone may gain life. The complications that brought four additional emergency surgeries. Watching your 7 year old boy who had entered the hospital so healthy and vibrant struggle and endure what I'm not sure I could.

Beautiful as our family gathered and the family of Jesus prayed and supported. Beautiful to see how God wastes no ounce of suffering, but can use even the vilest of times and darkest of experiences to display His goodness and glory. The continual pruning work the Father does in my heart and life. But what an amazing day, after 60 days, when Micah walked out of the hospital with me to get into the car and go home.

It has been a year since that phone call. Tomorrow will be a year since the actual surgery.  God has, as always, been abundantly faithful and gracious beyond what we could ever deserve.

If you are reading this post, chances are you were part of that journey. So today I want to express deep gratitude on behalf of our whole family for your prayers, love, and encouragement during those days. Words cannot express what we would like to convey.

August 3 Update

The last update I posted has been a few weeks back now. My failure to do an official post wasn't so much for lack of desire as for lack of information.

Micah has been sick. He's been up and down, but more down than up. Unfortunately, there's been too little information about why and even more troubling no way of determining what to do about it.

On Friday Micah had a liver biopsy. It was almost the liver biopsy that didn't happen. The results came back showing inflammation in the liver consistent with rejection. In the grand scheme of things, it is mild. Micah has been receiving powerful doses of steroids the last two days to knock his immune system down to curb the rejection.

Micah's bilirubin level was down by 2 points at last check. We celebrate that and hope this indicates the steroids are addressing the rejection and helping his liver function better.

He has been receiving nutrition in his feeding tube that was inserted Friday as well. Micah's calorie and protein intake have been below what is needed to maintain and certainly far lower than what is needed to replenish what he's lost. The tube is necessary evil for him. It isn't comfortable and he wrestles with the discomfort of it. However, it appears to be giving him the much needed nutrition.

Today has been a better day than the past few. Perhaps it is the nutrition, perhaps the treatment of the rejection, perhaps the blood transfusion from yesterday, or maybe the mix of all the above. He even enjoyed a few moments when his two younger brothers showed up to visit. But then again, who couldn't Titus and Malachi make smile.

We are grateful for your prayers. I am grateful to have had the opportunity to be back at Refuge Church and preaching this morning for the first time in 5 weeks. It was also a joy to have the people gather around to pray for me, our family, and, more importantly and specifically, Micah.

Secrets

As a kid I loved hearing stories of the Old Testament guys who accomplished unimaginable feats.  David killed a lion and bear with his bare hands. But it was Samson who had muscles bulging from his eyelids. He would have been the Olympic Gold Medalist in just about every competition of strength. And as is the case with most guys like this, the women swooned or drooled over him. He is the kind of man most boys and men envy and aspire to be like.

A closer inspection of Samson's life reveals significant flaws, however. He had an appetite for women of rival nations that threatened the allegiance of his own heart to God. He lacked respect and submission to the authority of his parents, demanding they go get a wife for him from among them. He projects an "above-the-law" lifestyle by disregarding the commands of God.

Most significant, though, was that Samson appears to have lived a life of secrecy. From before his conception, Samson's father and mother were instructed by God to set him apart according to a vow called the Nazarite vow. He was never to cut his hair. No strong drink or wine was he to taste. He was also never to touch a corpse, whether animal or human.

Samson traveled to a place called Timnah and while on the way he killed a lion with his bare hands. Some time later as he passed that way, he noticed bees had created a hive in the carcass and he went over and scooped out some honey to eat for himself. Samson broke the vow he was to live by. But instead of confessing the secret action, he hid it from others, including his father and mother.

Scripture says he says his parents again that he gave them some of the honey for them to eat as well. "But he did not tell them that he had taken the honey from the lion's carcass."  

The secret lives that so many are living today are destroying homes, families, communities, churches, and nations. The lie is that secret sin only harms the one who commits and knows it. That is not true. When my relationship with God is not right, my relationship with others cannot be right. God may still work through me and around me, but he is not able to fully do what He desires to do and He is certainly not pleased with a life of ungodliness, especially that we seek to cover.

The Bible teaches that a man or woman who seeks to cover his or her sin will not prosper. Jesus' followers should know this better than the world. Judas commit an atrocious act against the Son of God and tried to hide it. In the end, he lost the money he sought and forfeited the eternal life he could have gained. While others may not have known of his sin, God always did. Jesus exposed him at the Last Supper table.

God already knows what secrets you and I are trying to keep. In fact, the secrets we keep of how we have lived and failed, often create great anxiety and stress for us. We constantly ask the question, "What if someone finds out?" Then we are consumed with what individuals will say or how they will respond. So instead of walking out of the dark place of brokenness, confessing our faults to one another    and Christ to receive healing, we sink further into the dark dungeon. There we stay with windows boarded up and dreading any ray of light that may pierce into the darkness.

Don't you want to be free from your past? Don't you want to let go what keeps you in fear and makes your heart anxious? Don't you want to be known, not for what you pretend to be, but for who you are as a broken vessel God is restoring by the gospel? Don't you want the community of God's people to be able to come alongside of you to encourage and walk with you? What secret are you keeping? 

David kept secret his affair with Bathsheba for about a year. When God sent Nathan to confront David and bring the truth to light, David came to understand a powerful truth of God. He wrote, "You desire truth in the inward parts" (Psalm 51). 

Take a Daniel moment:

1.  Thank God for His patience with us in our multiple failures.

2.  Ask God to flood your inward parts with light that you may see what you have hidden and what you are unaware that you've hidden.

3.  Pray for God to give you courage to share with a trusted friend and follower of Jesus the brokenness you've experienced and the secret you've kept in order to be healed.

4.  Request that God give you grace and love as others may share their brokenness with you. May we respond like our Heavenly Father to love and embrace them rather than the older brother hates and rejects sinners and broken people in need of a Savior (Luke 15).